i cannot put into words how excited i am to see the city decked out for the holidays and then spend new years there with boyf and his family. naturally, though, the second thought after “MUST. HAVE. MACARONS” is: “WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?”

i am always big on dressing for the environment i’m in, but it is never more true (and yet, so much more difficult!) is when i am traveling. i am not delusional enough to think that i will be able to pull off a true parisian look – but i don’t want to stick out like a sore….american? (for lack of a better word…) and let’s be honest – there are going to be TONS of photos taken throughout the course of the week, so how can i NOT try to look amazing?

with that – this is my very first fashion board – and surely not my last (NYE in paris outfit coming soon!)

1. david yurman pearl earrings | 2. elie tahari cape | 3. asos bow blouse in peach skin | 4. kate spade necklace | 5. j.crew cafe capri in port wine | 6. j.crew viv flat | 7. rebecca minkoff mab satchel

THIS year…who am i kidding? last year he insisted that we each get each other something to do “together” because we had been spending a lot of money recently and we didn’t need material things. then he shows up with a tiffany necklace because he wanted it to be a memory of our first christmas together. cue collective AWWW (it’s at least happening in my own head).

last night, he outdid himself AGAIN – to the point that i feel guilty. the neiman’s bag was scary enough, but when i got to the david yurman pouch, i was literally terrified to open it, knowing that every single piece of jewelry that man has ever produced is beyond reasonable.

the bracelet is absolutely beautiful. it complements my beloved cape cod bracelet perfectly, and ever so slightly reflects the style of my (eBay-ed) DY ring. but it is too much and i am completely undeserving.  i gasp, almost scream, and scold him for at least 10 minutes. in. shock. and once i finally fell asleep, as soon as i picked it up from my bedside table to put in on this morning, it all came rushing back.

as my guilt over this pricey investment has been growing all day, i keep thinking about the things that really have meant the most to me this year, and also from everything over the past two years of our relationship. and even this month, between the fantastic dinner, the once-in-a-lifetime concert experience, this bracelet, and even the imminent trip to paris with his family in just  6 days – nothing has touched me and stayed with me as deeply as the intangible things.

the letter he wrote me for my birthday brought me to tears on line 3. hearing just one time that he acknowledged my patience with his near mental insanity (and subsequent disappearance from my life) during his finals tore me up – but then, that he knows that this behavior is everything that he doesnt want to be and that it flies in the face of his biggest priority in life (being a great husband and father – AWWW) was almost too much to handle. even the pure existence of this letter and all of the feelings it contains (knowing that they can be so hard for him to express) is enough love to last me for months.

and then i remembered last year’s necklace and thinking, “i can’t believe the year we have had since you called me drunk, two days after christmas, and told me you loved me after only knowing me for 4 short months”. that night has easily been one of the most defining moments of my life.

so thank you, TAD, for growing your beer cajones and letting your feelings go. thank you for pushing me to take care of myself. thank you for being the most supportive, caring, best friend and love in the entire world. thank you for believing in me even in the worst moments of both of our lives. thank you for knowing how to push me, and for letting me push you back (and truly appreciating it). thank you for bringing joy, trust, equality and true partnership back into my life. you’re right; we make a perfect team and i will never, never take that for granted.

but, if someday in my old age i manage to forget these things that fill my heart up, i know that i’ll look down at my wrist, or reach up for my collarbone, and feel all of these things that i have no other way to hold on to.

merry christmas.

this is no more prominent than when i am gearing up to go to concerts, and even when i am actually at a show.  i just don’t enjoy them anymore. i remember the days when i literally couldn’t sleep all week before a brand new show. cried just waiting in line for dashboard. moshed my little heart out, got beat up, stepped on, sweat all over, and was still running around and smiling afterward.

i can barely make it through a GA show anymore (back pain, annoying people talking/singing, can’t see, the list goes on forever) – and that’s not even mentioning that i sometimes just decide not to go at all because i don’t feel like it (hanson? i mean, really, how could i do that?). it’s pretty much unacceptable from a laziness and just general life happiness perspective. what am i, manic depressive? come on.

i really thought i was just going to have to be done “wasting” my slave-labor-earned cash, until last night.

not that i spent my own money on the tickets. not that i will EVER get to sit FRONT ROW again, nevermind at a SOLO ACOUSTIC show by my ALL TIME FAVORITE artist (ryan adams) on my BIRTHDAY.

but STILL. i would have basically soiled myself at this show even if i was mid pap smear. i was genuinely, truly jumping out of my skin on the way over to the show, and i swear my heart almost fell out my ass when i realized we were sitting in the front row. so. close. to him. ugh. and his voice, absolutely pure perfection. didn’t miss one note. and hsi fingers on the strings – maybe it was because i could see them so clearly, but the different tones were SO distinct with such little movement and changes…i had chills the whole time, and might have ever shed a tear or two…

so, welcome back, feelings. and thank you, ryan, for showing me that despite my uncharacteristic lack of christmas spirit this year, i am truly not secretly related to the grinch.

http://www.setlist.fm/setlist/ryan-adams/2011/orpheum-theatre-boston-ma-2bd1243a.html

breakfast: cake pop

lunch: marble cake.

conclusion: all i have eaten today is cake. miraculously, i feel fine, though i do realize this has zero nutritional value and is in no way good for me.

it’s my birthday (week) – therefore, OVER IT.

on a related note, though, i have been even more paranoid than usual about gaining weight due to the fact that i have been softly forced, by beings of a higher power than i, to go back on what i so lovingly refer to as “babykillers”.

my reasoning for discontinuing them in the past was not due to sudden celibacy (and thank GOD for that), but because basically sine month one, they cause me to gain ungodly amounts of weight. on my 5’3″ frame anything more than a measly 2 lobbers makes a visible difference.

and after gaining, from my beginning high school weight (which i realize is unfair, but i digress…) a whopping 42 libbies (i can’t bring myself to include a flashback photo…), i cut ‘er off cold turkey and began my quest to becoming a normal, early 20s biddy again.

2,000 or so massive relationship dramas, dozens and dozens of eggwhites and a significant hormone-balancing process later, i lost 38 of those suckers (realistically 36 but like all crazies i like to count back to my lowest). needless to say, i was NOT enthused about starting this up again.

it’s been a little over a week so far, and at the very least i can say that my past experiences have made me hyper sensitive to my eating habits and general feelings of hunger, which i really had stopped paying attention to (and was VERY content, mind you). last week, i was absolutely RAVENOUS by comparison to the last year or two. like, absolutely starving an hour after my last meal, wheras i had been very happy on a small meal every 3-4. disturbing.

today, somehow, i feel pretty great having only eaten sugar and lard, but hey…there’s plenty of respectable eating hours left in the day for me to gorg out on literally everything in my fridge.

and yet, amidst all of this, all i want to do right now is bake and devour these yummies! so more on that at christmas time when i’m working with my parents’ kitchen (complete with a pastry bag that i refuse to buy because i am truly not qualified to use one).

my quattro formaggi was absolutely amazing. you’d expect as much after spending over $20 on the cheese for it…but knowing my skills i was still worried. i followed the exact mixture of my favorite pizza place when i was in italy (miss you quattro passi) and a disgusting amount of jarlesberg, gorgonzola, scamorza, and emmentaler later…

BOOM.

jeal?

i am historically a hater of chardonnay – i really don’t enjoy any heavy, wet, thick, sweet, etc wines – and typically chardonnay falls under almost all of those categories. the other night, though, tim and i were on a double dinner date – and it happened to be “south african wine week” at LTK. the girlfriend is a chard lover…and our waiter was pushing this particular bottle, claiming it to be dry and crisp due to the soil in the region.

obviously i was skeptical, but when someone’s pulling my leg to split a bottle at dinner am i really gonna say no? obv not. so just imagine my surprise when not only was the wine absolutely delicious (dry AND not sweet…just straight up refreshing) but also a gorgeous and legitimately inspiring bottle! sold. forevs.

i mean seriously? bronze&gold&robin’seggblue? i can’t even. add in a baroque-esque pattern contrasting with a modern monogram and i’m done for. i might redesign my entire living room around this bottle.

excessive? probably…but then would i really be me?

this will last me a good 3-4 meals, so it’s perfect for work lunch to warm me up when it’s FREEZING in this damn office. win.

i dont know when i really, truly fell out of the music world. i know it’s too late to really get back now, but DAMN. i’m gonna try. i miss this feeling of deep, new love that sneaks up on you.

maybe it was finally not living in a dorm without my own kitchen. maybe it was moving out of my parent’s house and really having my own kitchen. maybe it’s my subconscious trying to get me to prep for being a mom – i really don’t know. but when you’re salivating over any and all recipes that contain sage, or chipotle chilis, or raw ginger, or saffron (or you are suddenly in love with cilantro and obsessed with putting it on everything in the summertime) – you know you’ve morphed into a foodie.

i am not and will never claim to be a great cook. i can work with a recipe decently well (sometimes) and can manage basics like chicken breast and sauteed veggies (typical, healthy dinner but very lazy).  but when i catch sight of a recipe in martha stewart living, accompanied by gorgeous photos of the final product and seasonally appropriate decor, or insanely perfect scenery – especially when they call for my favorite ingredients – i can’t resist.

one of my favorite things to trying new recipes and finding new “go-to’s”. since my skills are lacking, i dont have a very big repository, so it’s a work in progress. and that’s where this blog comes in…to document my endeavors and serve as somewhat of a recipe repository so i can actually find the damn things when i neeed them…until they’re committed to memory.

i am dead tired and absolutely freezing today so first up is spicy turkey chili tonight, completely in lieu of going to the gym because i would literally pass out on my elliptical.

being that fall is my favorite season, and for that reason i am probably more attached to it, there are a lot of songs that bring me back to old memories of autumn things, or even if they don’t, something about the tone, the tempo and the occasionally the lyrics literally SCREAM autumn for me.

this playlist is as much for me to keep track of them as it is for anyone else to enjoy – and it will likely be added to. but if you’re a fellow fall-lovah, i recommend adding these to the playlist i already know you listen to every day in the car (and recommend me your faves so i can fall in love – hah, get it? – too).